And in the deep desolation,
in the utter of slumbered pain;
a soul finds itself bruised,
to animosity of awakening love.
When the wounds bleed,
of unhealed words,
and scars scream loudly
with every vein pushed hard.
Lo! The heart aches,
while pumping pain around.
The eyes stare blankly,
in the infinity of darkness.
That is when it sets out
to liberate itself of plights.
And lands into the world,
of peace and amity.
in the utter of slumbered pain;
a soul finds itself bruised,
to animosity of awakening love.
When the wounds bleed,
of unhealed words,
and scars scream loudly
with every vein pushed hard.
Lo! The heart aches,
while pumping pain around.
The eyes stare blankly,
in the infinity of darkness.
That is when it sets out
to liberate itself of plights.
And lands into the world,
of peace and amity.
4 comments:
I find this piece interesting but very vague. I think it would benefit from being filled out with more substance and less fine words. I'd like you to do a re write.
And in the deep desolation,
in the utter of slumbers; (????????)
a soul finds itself bruised,
to the animosity of awakening. (???????)
When the wounds bleed,
of unhealed words;( use comma)
and scars scream loudly
with every vein pushed hard.
And the heart aches to ashes, (don't understand this line)
while pumping pain around;( I would use a full stop here.)
while eyes stare blankly, (Xwhile)(The eyes stare blankly (no comma))
in the infinity of darkness.
That is when it sets out, ( remove comma)
to free itself of unhealed; (?????)
and land into the world, (remove comma, next line is continuation)
of peace and love.
Okay, I see Clive’s editorial comments and that you made no changes to your draft. If you choose not to take his advice, and consider this your final draft, post it in the comments section. Clive has already done more than his part – his duties were only grammar, spelling, and punctuation and to assure it fits the parameter of the competition. It is up to you take his advice or to leave it.
Again, if you consider your submission to be in final draft form, please post the link in the comments section of the final draft post on the Pandora page. When all the final drafts are in, all the page editors will decide together on the single winning entry. Thank you and good luck.
I like this. I think you have created a piece of poetry that creates visions in the mind of the reader.
Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for taking out time to consider this draft. Much humbled.
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